Honesty

i found out i was pregnant on the 25th of september. i worked that day, and also had an orientation at school. the orientation went as bad and wrong for me as it possibly could. i couldn’t register for classes, i wouldn’t be awarded financial aid for another 5-6 weeks, i had to pay tuition on my own. i cried, i couldn’t help myself.

i tried. i tried not to. i used all my concentration on that one act- stop crying. i couldn’t. i fled. i ended up in the wrong parking lot, which put me in hysterics. i started hyperventilating. the orientation went an hour and a half longer than it was supposed to- my manager (who is a total bitch) was going to be pissed. i missed lunch, and i am so hungry.

i find my car, and scream. i scream and scream and cry until there is nothing left.

i am flabbergasted. what is my problem?

i return to work, sacrifice yet another hour of pay for an hour-long lunch because i NEED it, i am so hungry that i can’t think of anything else.

work finally ends, and i go home. i am home alone- like always. always alone. while reading, i feel something in my stomach that terrifies me- did it just STRETCH? did i just SEE that happen? it looked like a finger was trying to poke through my skin from the inside. anxiety and fear fill me- for in that moment, every hint (and there were many)- fall into place.

i’m pregnant.

i buy the test, i take the test, i look at the test, i throw the test.

i marvel.

in that moment, possibly one of the biggest moments of my life, everything shifted. my hand finds my stomach, wide eyed, and i can’t believe it.

and i am alone.

i take another test. it is the same- of course.

fear.

and i am alone.



i am alone.

And I wish there was something, please tell me there's something better...

I am pregnant. Almost 9 months pregnant, to be exact.

Scary? Yes.
Exciting? Yes.
Planned? No.

Being pregnant, honestly, is probably the worst thing I've ever gone through. 6 straight months of never ending nausea, so much vomit I felt like my head was spinning constantly, slowly but surely drifting away from my husband as well as feeling absolutely crazy. Not to mention dropping out of school and quitting my job because I was so sick that I couldn't work or study. I couldn't do anything for several months.

Don't get me wrong, I understand that pregnancy is beautiful. I am extremely grateful on a regular (daily) basis that my body is functioning correctly and nourishing my son. I love him very much, more than anything (and anyone, yes- anyone) already. I can't wait to meet him.

At the same time though, I can't help but feel sad that I'm bringing a child into the world that I never wanted. How does one get over that? He's altered my life so completely already, and he isn't even here. He's changed my relationships. He's morphed my body into something... else. Something foreign. Something I was avoiding because I did not want it to change. I'm 21... and my athlete's body is now a mother's body.

What?

I am a mother.

No matter the outcome of this pregnancy now, I am a mother. I have a child.





And I've changed.












What?

the least they ever gave you... was the most you ever knew.

i can’t help him. i want to. i want to clean for him- i try. that little amount of exertion leaves me in a vegetative state. i can’t move, i can’t open my eyes. and still, i can’t sleep. the dizziness overwhelms me- i vomit. i can’t stop. 3, 4, 5 times.

the dishes. i tried. they are building and molding and rotting- and i can’t do them. the smell- i can’t breathe. through my mouth, i can taste it. through my nose the terrible rancid smell swirls and fills my brain and clouds my eyes- and i vomit.

the vomiting brings the headaches, the headaches make the nausea worse- i vomit. 8 times today. there will be more.

i don’t make him happy anymore- i exasperate him. i see it. i hear it when he speaks. i wish he understood. wish he could see that i don’t want this, i don’t want to lay in bed and curl into my retched ball of misery- but i have no choice. i am sick. i am drained, completely. i don’t want to sit in front of the computer for hours when all around me there is something that needs to be done- but i have no choice. i am sick. i am so sick that when i sit up too quickly, i vomit. when i talk for too long i can’t breathe anymore, get dizzy, and vomit. i can’t sing. i can’t look at the sun.

i can’t RUN. i can’t walk fast- my head fills with lead. i can’t walk at a moderate pace- i can only walk slowly, without turning my head, and hope that he wont pull me too hard. i can’t drive, i can’t concentrate. i can’t do anything.

pregnancy is supposed to be beautiful. pregnancy is supposed to be one of the happiest times of your life- it is ruining mine. i can’t study, i can’t write papers, i can’t do anything useful. i can’t cook. the smell- it gags me. i can’t exercise, i can only sit here and watch my body grow and know that it revolts him, just as it revolts me.

i have suffered many times in my life- i have been beaten and raped, mind-fucked and hated. i have suffered much more than many- but i would take all of it again, over and over, in place of this endless, maddeningly endless period of pain and torture that i can’t fix. i can only wait and hope that things get better- and hope that things don’t get worse.

pregnancy

i feel utterly alone in this pregnancy. my husband is there for me and does everything for me, but i can see the resentment that is building. i can taste it- i hate it. i can’t change it, i don’t know how. but that’s for another day, i just hope i don’t drive him away.

truth? i despise pregnancy so far. i can’t allow my mind to think too much about it, because the thoughts of abortion always creep in, always threaten to eat me alive and fill me with longing. that is a longing that i cannot have. i don’t love this baby yet, but nor do i resent or hate it. i just don’t love it. that lack of love makes the thought of abortion so much more appealing- i feel very little towards this thing growing inside me.

on the other hand, i am excited. i just want the baby out of me- now. yesterday. a month ago. pregnancy is the most awful thing i have ever experienced.

i am a strange creature, i have a strange mind.

more truth? the pregnancy symptoms are nearing the stage where they are impossible for me to deal with. constant hunger that nothing satisfies. constant (even more constant than the hunger- it never ends, it never leaves me) nausea combined with headache, that leave my head unable to function, unable to process. i have been rendered a cripple inside my own mind- i cannot think. i cannot feel -anything- but the pain, and it is pain. i vomit so often that it now, always, mingles with blood. i have days where i am physically unable to leave the bed, physically unable to walk anywhere but to the bathroom where i feel relief for seconds, followed by more pain. pain that has doubled, pain that fills my head and travels down my body until i want do die. i want to sleep- i can’t sleep. i can only exist in this endless of days, in what i can only describe as torture. i am helpless.

there is no relief from this. and i have months left- many, many, many months.

i honestly believe that i will go mad. perhaps i already have.

he doesn't realize...

You lay awake at night
With blue eyes that never cry
All you remember now
Is what you feel

The truth remains
In midnight conversations
I asked for this moment
But you turned away

Sad like a lonely child
Broken the day you're born
I held the light to you
But I was so vain

And you remain
A promise unfulfilled
I ask you for more
But you push me away

And if we feel the silence
Holding this all inside
Everything means more now than
Words could explain

And if we feel the silence
Holding this all inside us
Looking for something more to say
I don't know where I'm going

Only know where I been
But you move through my soul like a hurricane wind
We've been so lost for so long
I don't know how to get back again

And we're drowning in the water
That flows under this bridge
When you're fighting the current
You forget how to live
And I wanted to reach you but I don't know where to begin

And you remain
A promise unfulfilled until today

And if we feel the silence
Holding this all inside
Everything means more now than
Words could explain
And if we feel the silence
Leaving this all behind us
When it's gone what will you say

How do we hold on
How do we hold on
How do we hold on
How do we hold on
How do we hold on

You lay awake at night
With blue eyes that never cry

cause i'm so much more.. than meets the eye.

The sun is gone and the flowers rot
Words are spaces between us
And I should've been drowned in the rivers I've found of token lost
And I should've been down when you made me insecure

So break me down if it makes you feel right
And hate me now if it keeps you alright
You can break me down if it takes all your might
'cause I'm so much more than meets the eye

And I'm the one you can never trust
'cause wounds are ways to reveal us
And yeah I could have tried and devoted my life to both of us
But what a waste of my time when the world we have is yours

So break me down if it makes you feel right
And hate me now if it keeps you alright
You can break me down if it takes all your might
'cause I'm so much more than all your lies

Hate me, break me down
So break me down
So break me down
So break me down if it makes you feel right
And hate me now if it keeps you alright
You can break me down if it takes all your might
'cause I'm so much more than meets the eye