i can’t help him. i want to. i want to clean for him- i try. that little amount of exertion leaves me in a vegetative state. i can’t move, i can’t open my eyes. and still, i can’t sleep. the dizziness overwhelms me- i vomit. i can’t stop. 3, 4, 5 times.
the dishes. i tried. they are building and molding and rotting- and i can’t do them. the smell- i can’t breathe. through my mouth, i can taste it. through my nose the terrible rancid smell swirls and fills my brain and clouds my eyes- and i vomit.
the vomiting brings the headaches, the headaches make the nausea worse- i vomit. 8 times today. there will be more.
i don’t make him happy anymore- i exasperate him. i see it. i hear it when he speaks. i wish he understood. wish he could see that i don’t want this, i don’t want to lay in bed and curl into my retched ball of misery- but i have no choice. i am sick. i am drained, completely. i don’t want to sit in front of the computer for hours when all around me there is something that needs to be done- but i have no choice. i am sick. i am so sick that when i sit up too quickly, i vomit. when i talk for too long i can’t breathe anymore, get dizzy, and vomit. i can’t sing. i can’t look at the sun.
i can’t RUN. i can’t walk fast- my head fills with lead. i can’t walk at a moderate pace- i can only walk slowly, without turning my head, and hope that he wont pull me too hard. i can’t drive, i can’t concentrate. i can’t do anything.
pregnancy is supposed to be beautiful. pregnancy is supposed to be one of the happiest times of your life- it is ruining mine. i can’t study, i can’t write papers, i can’t do anything useful. i can’t cook. the smell- it gags me. i can’t exercise, i can only sit here and watch my body grow and know that it revolts him, just as it revolts me.
i have suffered many times in my life- i have been beaten and raped, mind-fucked and hated. i have suffered much more than many- but i would take all of it again, over and over, in place of this endless, maddeningly endless period of pain and torture that i can’t fix. i can only wait and hope that things get better- and hope that things don’t get worse.
