i feel utterly alone in this pregnancy. my husband is there for me and does everything for me, but i can see the resentment that is building. i can taste it- i hate it. i can’t change it, i don’t know how. but that’s for another day, i just hope i don’t drive him away.
truth? i despise pregnancy so far. i can’t allow my mind to think too much about it, because the thoughts of abortion always creep in, always threaten to eat me alive and fill me with longing. that is a longing that i cannot have. i don’t love this baby yet, but nor do i resent or hate it. i just don’t love it. that lack of love makes the thought of abortion so much more appealing- i feel very little towards this thing growing inside me.
on the other hand, i am excited. i just want the baby out of me- now. yesterday. a month ago. pregnancy is the most awful thing i have ever experienced.
i am a strange creature, i have a strange mind.
more truth? the pregnancy symptoms are nearing the stage where they are impossible for me to deal with. constant hunger that nothing satisfies. constant (even more constant than the hunger- it never ends, it never leaves me) nausea combined with headache, that leave my head unable to function, unable to process. i have been rendered a cripple inside my own mind- i cannot think. i cannot feel -anything- but the pain, and it is pain. i vomit so often that it now, always, mingles with blood. i have days where i am physically unable to leave the bed, physically unable to walk anywhere but to the bathroom where i feel relief for seconds, followed by more pain. pain that has doubled, pain that fills my head and travels down my body until i want do die. i want to sleep- i can’t sleep. i can only exist in this endless of days, in what i can only describe as torture. i am helpless.
there is no relief from this. and i have months left- many, many, many months.
i honestly believe that i will go mad. perhaps i already have.
