Honesty

i found out i was pregnant on the 25th of september. i worked that day, and also had an orientation at school. the orientation went as bad and wrong for me as it possibly could. i couldn’t register for classes, i wouldn’t be awarded financial aid for another 5-6 weeks, i had to pay tuition on my own. i cried, i couldn’t help myself.

i tried. i tried not to. i used all my concentration on that one act- stop crying. i couldn’t. i fled. i ended up in the wrong parking lot, which put me in hysterics. i started hyperventilating. the orientation went an hour and a half longer than it was supposed to- my manager (who is a total bitch) was going to be pissed. i missed lunch, and i am so hungry.

i find my car, and scream. i scream and scream and cry until there is nothing left.

i am flabbergasted. what is my problem?

i return to work, sacrifice yet another hour of pay for an hour-long lunch because i NEED it, i am so hungry that i can’t think of anything else.

work finally ends, and i go home. i am home alone- like always. always alone. while reading, i feel something in my stomach that terrifies me- did it just STRETCH? did i just SEE that happen? it looked like a finger was trying to poke through my skin from the inside. anxiety and fear fill me- for in that moment, every hint (and there were many)- fall into place.

i’m pregnant.

i buy the test, i take the test, i look at the test, i throw the test.

i marvel.

in that moment, possibly one of the biggest moments of my life, everything shifted. my hand finds my stomach, wide eyed, and i can’t believe it.

and i am alone.

i take another test. it is the same- of course.

fear.

and i am alone.



i am alone.

And I wish there was something, please tell me there's something better...

I am pregnant. Almost 9 months pregnant, to be exact.

Scary? Yes.
Exciting? Yes.
Planned? No.

Being pregnant, honestly, is probably the worst thing I've ever gone through. 6 straight months of never ending nausea, so much vomit I felt like my head was spinning constantly, slowly but surely drifting away from my husband as well as feeling absolutely crazy. Not to mention dropping out of school and quitting my job because I was so sick that I couldn't work or study. I couldn't do anything for several months.

Don't get me wrong, I understand that pregnancy is beautiful. I am extremely grateful on a regular (daily) basis that my body is functioning correctly and nourishing my son. I love him very much, more than anything (and anyone, yes- anyone) already. I can't wait to meet him.

At the same time though, I can't help but feel sad that I'm bringing a child into the world that I never wanted. How does one get over that? He's altered my life so completely already, and he isn't even here. He's changed my relationships. He's morphed my body into something... else. Something foreign. Something I was avoiding because I did not want it to change. I'm 21... and my athlete's body is now a mother's body.

What?

I am a mother.

No matter the outcome of this pregnancy now, I am a mother. I have a child.





And I've changed.












What?