i found out i was pregnant on the 25th of september. i worked that day, and also had an orientation at school. the orientation went as bad and wrong for me as it possibly could. i couldn’t register for classes, i wouldn’t be awarded financial aid for another 5-6 weeks, i had to pay tuition on my own. i cried, i couldn’t help myself.
i tried. i tried not to. i used all my concentration on that one act- stop crying. i couldn’t. i fled. i ended up in the wrong parking lot, which put me in hysterics. i started hyperventilating. the orientation went an hour and a half longer than it was supposed to- my manager (who is a total bitch) was going to be pissed. i missed lunch, and i am so hungry.
i find my car, and scream. i scream and scream and cry until there is nothing left.
i am flabbergasted. what is my problem?
i return to work, sacrifice yet another hour of pay for an hour-long lunch because i NEED it, i am so hungry that i can’t think of anything else.
work finally ends, and i go home. i am home alone- like always. always alone. while reading, i feel something in my stomach that terrifies me- did it just STRETCH? did i just SEE that happen? it looked like a finger was trying to poke through my skin from the inside. anxiety and fear fill me- for in that moment, every hint (and there were many)- fall into place.
i’m pregnant.
i buy the test, i take the test, i look at the test, i throw the test.
i marvel.
in that moment, possibly one of the biggest moments of my life, everything shifted. my hand finds my stomach, wide eyed, and i can’t believe it.
and i am alone.
i take another test. it is the same- of course.
fear.
and i am alone.
i am alone.
